Day 16: Insecurities

This is one of those posts that I hope my boy friend does not find and read…. Because it’s kind of about him…

So the boy friend is now on first shift, and he comes home everyday by 4.00pm. I like to workout in the evenings, but I’m still too insecure with the way I look to go to the gym. So I’ve been working out at home in the evenings while he’s been at work till now. I’ve found that I do not want to work out with him here.

At first I thought it was because I wanted to spend time with him. Then the wonder of him being home wore off. Now I sit here on the couch typing away at 9.07pm knowing that I could be doing push ups or running around the block or something, but I’m not. I’m afraid of his criticism that I’m not doing the squats right or that my breaks are took long or that I’m not pushing myself hard enough.

I shouldn’t feel this way but I do…

He has a history of torturing himself over the way he looks. He thinks he is too fat. I have never known him to be overweight, yet I have seen pictures of him larger than he is now. He watches what he eats (or doesn’t eat at all) and goes to the gym. What gets me though is when he makes small comments about himself. “Oh I’m so fat.” “What do you see in me?” Worse than that, he will make comments about other overweight people – how chunky they are or how that person will never find anyone ’cause they’re a fat fuck, etc.

If that’s what he thinks of himself or of other people, then what does he really think of me?

It makes me incredibly insecure.

I’ve walked to and from work a lot in the last week (when the weather’s been dry), but I have not worked out. It’s girl time, so I do see where I’m bloated and retaining all of the food I’m eating. But that’s just girl time. The scale hasn’t changed really though. It’s back up to 220, but I’m ok with that. Again, girl time. I just have to get a hold of myself when this passes.

So what I think I should/want to do is to wake up in the morning while he is at work and workout then. It’s just doesn’t feel natural for me to wake up early and workout. I do understand the benefits of exercising in the AM, but it’s never been a thing I do. We’ll see how this week goes.

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